How to navigate divorce later in life

Ending a relationship in your senior years comes with its own set of challenges. My mother, Rosemary, had a 'silver' divorce, a late-life split with my dad after 43 years of marriage. She was 67 years old.

Divorce at any age is difficult but it can be devastating when you are older. It wasn't feasible for Rosemary to go back to work to pay her bills.

Silver divorces, or marriage breakdowns for the over 50s, are on the rise. Nearly one in three divorces involves someone aged 50 and older.

There are many reasons why this age group grows apart. The kids leave home, and it turns out that they were the glue that kept the parents together.

There can be financial motives such as an inheritance on the horizon for one partner that they don't want to split.

In my dad's case, he fell in love with someone else and went on to start a family in his sixties.

It turns out it had been going on for a decade, while he was still married to my mother, and I think he waited until his own mother had passed away because he didn't want her disapproval.

Ignoring the red flags

Older people in second marriages are twice as likely to divorce over 50 with around 60% ending in divorce often because they are grappling with blended families or greater financial challenges.

There were plenty of red flags for Rosemary, but she didn't do anything about them. She was unprepared when Dad announced he had a second family, and that their marriage was over.

On that day he told Rosemary that he had a plan for her, and it involved her leaving the family home so he could move in his new family. She would be receiving an amount of money that he had decided was 'enough'.

Remarkably, she was so shocked, as we all were, that she went along with his plans. I took her to divorce lawyers, but my father threatened her with 'you'll never get a cent' if you use a lawyer and she just wilted.

Stay in control of your finances

If you have any doubts that your partner is planning to leave you, don't be blindsided like my mum.

Often one person in a relationship has a tighter grip on the family finances and if they are planning to split up, they can have the upper hand. Rosemary didn't know about Dad's assets or where the documents were. It made dividing their wealth a lengthy and impossible process because the money couldn't be located.

It always pays to keep up with the family's finances.

Be across the assets: the superannuation, the equity in the home, investments and cash in the bank.

What are the debts? Keep copies of important documents in a secure place such as tax returns and tax file numbers, bank account and credit card statements, financial planning documents, online broking reports, mortgage documents, property deeds, loan statements, investment statements as well as your identification documents such as your passport, birth certificate and marriage certificate.

Always use discretion but secure some expert advice about what you should do.

Even if you are on good terms with your ex, it is worthwhile to secure legal advice.

Start with free phone support available through the Family Relationship Advice line on 1800 050 321 for advice on family separation and referrals to local services.

Or you can visit the Law Council of Australia to find a family lawyer. There is also free legal help through a community legal centre or Legal Aid in your State.

In a separation, it is important to update your accounts, will and superannuation.

It's equally important to close joint accounts as well as changing your PIN and banking passwords. Update the beneficiary payout on your superannuation so that it goes to who you want.

You don't want to erode your wealth with an adversarial, costly divorce with costly lawyers jostling over all the details.

You want to appear as dignified and mature in front of your adult kids as you will still have contact with your ex at family events in the future.

Wealth takes a hit

Of course, divorce always destroys wealth for both men and women. Retirement plans go out the window and people typically extend their working lives.

The cost of living is considerably higher when you're single. There is only one of you to pay the bills.

One common mistake for divorcees is to hang onto the family home when it involves a long list of expenses, such as council rates, maintenance costs and emergency repairs.

Smaller, less expensive housing - such as one- or two-bedroom apartments - is often what is affordable after the assets are split.

As people age, it is important that they live near good health services, transport and other services.

Older divorcees have different financial priorities. There are no school fees or childrearing costs and a small or no mortgage.

Often divorcees want advice about how to protect their children's inheritances from the ex's future partner and stepchildren.

Take care of yourself first

Don't make the mistake of supporting adult children who often have endless financial needs unless you can really afford to.

When Rosemary divorced, she didn't have a cohort of supportive, divorced friends to meet up with. It was psychologically hard for her, untangling the memories of her 43 years of marriage.

These days divorce at an older age is more accepted but separation or divorce is psychologically the second most devastating event in life, ranking just behind death of a spouse or a loved one, so seek out counselling.

Having said all that, divorcing later in life can be the beginning of a great new life chapter.

I have friends who have found much more compatible partners than their former ones, are happier and are managing well financially.

Splitting your account-based pension

If you are retired and receive an income stream from your superannuation fund, this can continue when you separate.

If it started before the relationship breakdown, a super agreement or court order can split the income stream.

In most cases, the income stream would be commuted into a lump sum due to the governing rules of the fund, according to the ATO.

In that case, the non-member spouse is paid their entitlement under the agreement or court order. The fund would pay the rest to the member spouse either as a lump sum or a reduced super income stream.

If the fund pays the non-member spouse's entitlement as a super lump sum, they will treat it as a separate lump sum benefit for the non-member spouse.

If it is paid as a super income stream, they will treat it as a separate income stream for the non-member spouse.

If the income stream is unable to be commuted, or fully commuted, to a lump sum due to the fund's governing rules, both spouses will receive an income stream.

The split will result in two regular payments from the same income stream - one to the member spouse and one to the non-member spouse.

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