MY MONEY

Ask Paul: We spoiled our youngest, now she won't leave home

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Dear Paul,

My husband and I have three children. Two moved out at 18 to go to university and are settled in solid careers.

My youngest is now 25. She didn't finish uni and is a bit directionless. She works part-time and has no plans to move out.

Ask Paul Clitheroe: We spoiled our youngest daughter, now she won't leave home or pay board

I think she is old enough to pay board. My husband said she can't afford board on top of her other expenses (phone bill, Netflix, hair cuts).

I think it's time she started taking more responsibility. She is bright but content to not push herself and I feel we may have coddled her as our youngest. Please help. - Marianne

Goodness, Marianne. This has been the month for deeply tricky questions that involve people more than money.

Being the youngest child can be a bit of a tough gig. I'm your fairly typical first-born, probably I had to find my own way a bit more once I turned 18 than tends to be the case with younger siblings, but this had advantages as well as disadvantages.

I think we need a psychologist here, not an ageing money bloke, but let's have a crack.

Pretty obviously my strongest advice for families is communication and I don't think a psychologist would disagree.

It sounds like you and your husband have somewhat different views, but I can see why it might be good for you and your daughter if she had more independence with a full-time job and living with friends.

I am sure you will have tried this, but I think the three of you should have a crack at a conversation.

I am not suggesting you sell up to move a child out - that seems extreme - but do you have plans to downsize?

While I am very keen to treat all kids equally, are you able to provide a bit of support for your daughter to move out?

I am also curious about what might interest your daughter. Does she have any dreams of living overseas and working, moving towns or cities or have a particular passion, job or interest? Unless saving for a home, she probably should pay some board, but would this cause her to further retreat into your home?

You are not alone here. Many of our friends have kids moving back home with the cost of housing and general living expenses.

Our middle daughter and husband are returning to us shortly with their gorgeous three- and one-year old daughters and a bounding Border Collie while they renovate. Mind you, at least this has a timeframe, and I think that is the conversation you need with your daughter.

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Paul Clitheroe AM is the founder of Money and serves as the publication's editorial adviser. One of Australia's most trusted personal finance experts, Paul has spent decades helping Australians build wealth, manage debt and make smarter money decisions. He is widely known for host­ing the Money TV program and authoring best-selling personal finance books. Since launching Money in 1999, he has played a leading role in delivering practical, independent financial guidance to Australians. Paul is chair of InvestSMART Financial Services. He was the founding chair of Ecstra Foundation, a national not-for-profit focused on improving financial wellbeing, from 2018 to 2026, and led the Australian Government's Financial Literacy Board and Financial Literacy Australia from 2004 to 2019. In academia, Paul is chair in financial literacy at Macquarie University, where he is also a Professor in the School of Business and Economics. Ask Paul your money question. Due to volume, Paul cannot respond to questions posted in the comments section.
Comments
Bryan P
August 6, 2025 4.42pm

Do you need the money? Otherwise why else do you expect your own children to pay rent to you???

Hayley C
August 6, 2025 5.06pm

Bryan P - She is an adult at 25, should be working full time and paying board. She probably expects Mum to still do the cooking and washing for her too. Time to unwrap the cotton wool.

John Sipple
August 7, 2025 9.23am

Because she's not a child, she's an adult, 25 not 15 big difference

jonas .
August 6, 2025 7.45pm

is she ok? sounds like depression to me. you shouldn't expect the same from her as your other kids. she probably knows you favour them.

Nazrah L L
August 6, 2025 9.21pm

By 25, I was already married and raising a family. In our culture, that's the age to set up your own home, not still be living in your parents' house.

Anon Ymous
August 7, 2025 8.18am

It's important that you and your husband find common ground here. Letting this come between you isn't healthy for either of you or for your relationship with your daughter.

Tim Ashelford
August 7, 2025 8.56am

I had the pleasure of meeting Paul in a lift at the Mater Hospital around 28 April 1994. As an avid watcher of the Money show I was starstruck. Obviously our short conversation entered around our visit to our new babies. Our son got the benefit of piles of Money magazines and is a savvy investor these days. We won't mention the double garage conversation to allow a pilot to live cheaply as he was away a fair bit. Six months after completion he moved out to live with his mates. I'm sure there are plenty of stories out there !

Jacqui N
August 10, 2025 6.12am

This happened sister in law and has been a huge bone of contention causing family rift. All children should be treated equally within reason. I would encourage her firstly to have a budget and set the requirement of paying some board. A minimum of $50 with part time work and $100 in full time work. I would also say she has to shop and cook a family meal once a week if you are shopping and cooking for her. Have a conversation and see what her goals are, if she's not ready to settle down into a career or buy property it's time to motivate some travel abroad.

Robin Pankiw
August 23, 2025 5.37pm

Oh Dear!!!! Tell your husband and daughter that you are worried about what happens if (God forbid) you and your husband are in a serious accident or are killed. Your home may have to be sold to pay costs. Assuming she is mentally and physically ok, she should definitely be more involved in cooking, cleaning, shopping, transport, gardening, maintenance, budgeting etc. She should pay her share for electricity, water, rates etc. If she does not learn how to live now, she will be vulnerable in the future when Mummy and Daddy are not able to carry the burden. Tough love is a necessary part of being good parents.